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Exactly what to say…

{After talking about a coordination problem I’m having with my apartment manager and owner. Andy said what he thinks I should say, then…}

i can tell you exactly what to say for all sorts of situations in your life

it’ll almost always work out well for me

Infomercials

Andy: http://www.getrollie.com/

Me: that rollie thing is fucking amazing. i love how in the beginning, they’re not even trying to cook.

Andy: things like that blow my mind in a horrible way. i have to not think about them for fear i might reach into my head and tear out my brain. “cooking is hard” -> cut to person hitting a steak with a hammer

Done

How Andy closed out a task in our project management system:

DUNtroniks™ 2k13 With PowerGlide® Tech/\/ologies©, probably not BROKN™.

On Social Media

"…it’s basically a stupidity amplifier…And multiplier."

keepin it special

(Me, just waking up, only in boxer-briefs on the couch): “I added some questions to the chat room.”
Andy: “Yeah. I answered all of them.”
Me: “You’re so good to me…”
Andy: “Yep… I even did more than just answer them.”
Me: “Awwww. Can I get a hug?”
Andy: “Nope.”
Me: “A kiss?”
Andy: “Nope.”
Me: “But it’s been so long!”
Andy: “That’s how I keep it special.”

Sad word-a-day toilet paper

Andy: you make me sad sometimes
Me: only sometimes? i’ll take that as an improcement
Andy: for a second there i thought you got some word-a-day toilet paper.
then i got sad again.

Fatness

Andy: created the shit out of a ticket for your face
Me: reading
Andy: don’t explode your brain
Me: responded
Andy: fatness
Andy: your words are muffin-topping over the basecamp-pants of my internets

* Basecamp is what we use to manage projects. Tickets are tasks.

How to Not Get Sick

you need to not live near people. they’re contaminated.

Feedback Form Testing

We’re setting up a new customer feedback form. When you submit the form, it goes to our help ticket system. And I get those emails. These are two responses that came through while Andy was testing the form.

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Recommend to who: Kids with fangs.
Toolset description: Dangerously irresponsible.
Most confusing: Signing up for Hotmail.
Most valuable: The credit card I stole to purchase my subscription.

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Recommend to who: Awesome people with radical hair cuts.
Toolset description: I rip-roaring freak show the likes of which this town has never seen before. Also, excellent corn dogs.
Most confusing: Undoing the clasp.
Most valuable: The prize at the bottom of the box.

Keep an eye out

Andy: do you know what you pay per KWh for electricity?
Me: no. i’ll keep an eye out on my next bill, though
Andy: yes. remove at least one eye for my benefit.